The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page Presents: PAPS Takes Extreme Steps To Combat Adverse Weather

Andover, Mass. — Students returning to Abbot campus Sunday evening were onlookers to a truly terrifying scene: PAPS officers training with new guerrilla warfare methods to combat after-hours tomfoolery, early sunsets, igloos-turned-love-nests, and other nefarious occurrences during these cold and harsh winter months. Practice snow structures made to mimic student-built snowmen were kicked down and military-grade duct tape was used to strap flashlights to trees. These drills, among others, were reported by those who stumbled upon PAPS Sunday.

Eighth Page correspondents met with an unnamed PAPS official to discuss the matter Tuesday morning and were surprised for the reason for all these precautions: “Without everything we do, [the students] just have way too much fun — especially during the winter, when they should really be staying inside and making sure their rooms are up to fire code or doing work. I’d say we are the most important department on campus, because we keep [the students] from getting distracted and waylaid, or as some hippies would say ‘enjoying themselves.’ ”

Another officer, who would also like to remain anonymous, spoke in accordance with the first interviewee: “You know, when we put on these badges and the mandatory spandex in the morning, it reminds us of our duties and the oath we took when we started: pry and stop. We take this message with us whenever we patrol campus or get called to transfer a student from Point A to Point B.”

With this in mind, students should be more careful placing their igloos if they really want to ensure their safety, and also know that even without streetlamps, PAPS has eyes everywhere (quite literally: we were also informed of a new strategy for catching cruisers that involves watchers with binoculars hiding in trees).