The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page Presents: The Exonian- Teaching Fellow Sent to Student-With-Legacy-Led-Disciplinary-Committee after Failing to Properly Chaperone Halloween Dance

Although Exeter’s halloween dance may have seemed like it was totally lit and represented a good, clean fun at a non-denominational, inclusive, and diverse boarding school, one teaching fellow thought otherwise. On Saturday night, Mr. Dewey, an English teaching fellow, left after the last song to return to his faculty apartment, without saying goodnight to the student activities director, dapping up a third generation legacy student, or helping to clean up the puddle of apple cider on the floor. His failure to adhere to Exeter’s unspoken community expectations disgusts both the Exonian Editorial Board and the school as a whole. Now, according to Theodore James III ’18, a fourth generation Exonian whose father owns a hedge fund on Wall Street, Mr. Dewey is being sent to the Student-With-Legacy-Led-Disciplinary-Committee (SWLLDC).

The student led, run, and controlled SWLLDC represents a unique disciplinary opportunity unavailable at any other school in the world, other than all seven Ivy Leagues and most boarding schools in New England corrupt with nepotism. According to Whitaker Adams Wadsworth IV, head of the SWLLDC and fifth generation Exonian, “The SWLLDC represents an opportunity for students of the Academy who truly belong here to exert their sway in whatever way they see fit.” He then informed us that the SWLLDC is capable of sending the entire Editorial Board of the Exonian to a DC. The Editorial Board truly believes that the SWLLDC is the greatest part of Phillips Exeter Academy and wholeheartedly supports everything they do.

According to the SWLLDC’s press release, Mr. Dewey decided to chaperone after receiving an email from the student activities director earlier that evening. Despite having set up dinner with his aging grandmother, Mr. Dewey knew where his priorities lay: with the Exonians. After canceling dinner with her over the telephone, he set out for the dance, costume in hand. When he arrived there at 9 p.m., he pinned some decorations up to the walls, all while joyfully listening to Macklemore’s Gemini and Drake’s Views. He thought it would be a good night.

Dapping up the student activities director, he slipped on a Michael Jordan UNC jersey over his Ralph Lauren polo (pronounced Ralph LAUren), to achieve the ‘frat’ look coveted by teaching fellows and 10th graders alike. As students began to file in, he went up to the table, and sat down to swipe Redcards. “You know, the student activities director could have picked anyone to chaperone, but he picked me, so I take this responsibility very seriously,” he said to student dressed as “clout.” The kid just stood there and rolled his eyes under his oversized clout goggles. Mr. Dewey dapped him up, swiped a few more Redcards, and then stood against the wall to chaperone for the night.

But as the night wore on, no second generation students walked over to dap him up, and not one third generation Exonian said hi. They didn’t even look at him. He began to question himself. “How can I fit into this group,” he asked. He knew he didn’t have a legacy, but he wanted to belong at Exeter. Mr. Dewey was suffering from a legacy identity crisis. A tear rolled down his cheek. He wondered why he didn’t even fit in with the second generation legacy students. “How can I wear clout goggles yet not have legacy? Will I ever be as cool as those fourth generation legacy students? Why can’t my dad own a hedge-fund too? Why do I not helicopter from Manhattan to the airport to get back to school? Why can’t I hire someone to stand in line for me at Supreme?” he asked.

As the night wore on, a black cloud settled over him. He edged towards the side door. When the DJ announced the last song, he slipped out, burst into tears, ignored several legacy student’s attempts to say hi, and ran back to his faculty apartment. SWLLDC has indicated through their press release that these actions represent the type that are unacceptable at Phillips Exeter Academy. The Editorial Board fully and completely agrees. At this point, it is unclear the type of disciplinary action that Mr. Dewey will be receiving, but we here at the Exonian can assure you, it will be as swift and severe as it is cruel and unusual.