A Letter From The Phillipian’s Eighth Page
“When they go low, we go high.”
— Michelle Obama
It’s that time of year again, so here’s another “Exonian.” Notice anything different? No, you don’t. It’s the exact same as it always has been. Same nerd jokes, same unathletic jokes, and — of course — the same social awkwardness jokes. Guess what, everyone’s a little nerdy, a little unathletic, and definitely at least a little socially awkward.
Make no mistake, this issue was planned, written, and edited without passion and under duress. Every member of The Phillipian’s board involved with its creation — from Associate to Senior Editor — finds the mock-“Exonian” tradition mean-spirited and unnecessary. This systematic mandatory conformity of our comedic genius is nothing short of a crime.
The real question is this: why do you enjoy this? Yes, you, holding this paper or viewing it on a screen right now. You know it’s the same, and yet you come crawling back for more like the consumerist machine you are. We might be forced to take responsibility for this, but you aren’t forced to read it. Put it down!
You are the villains for demanding that we annually belittle other high schoolers — other human beings — for the sake of your own self-esteem. Did you feel better about yourself after reading last year’s “Exonian?” How about the year before that? And the year before that? Exeter doesn’t publish a fake Phillipian every year — have you ever wondered why? Maybe they don’t need to make other people look small just to make themselves feel good.
To those of you who think this letter is just our excuse for a low-quality edition, hear this: We probably could have worked really hard and made something we could be proud of, but life’s busy. Besides, that wouldn’t be what you want, would it? You want four pages of bland, generic rivalry jokes, so here you go. Read this but know you’re the problem, not us.
Eighth Page Associates and Editors CXL
P.S. Other things we’re upset about right now: The sound of someone chewing; enthusiasm; oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (just pick one); Katy Perry’s lack of recent music activity; cotton/cashmere blends (see point about cookies); any changes to this school; teachers who give checks instead of number grades; limited tea selection in Paresky Commons; the OWHL’s planned renovations; people who call the Den “Susie’s”; anybody who uses “dawg” unironically; v-neck shirts.