The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Tips for Getting a Date to Abbot Ball

With the first big dance of the year on the horizon, here are some surefire ways to find the true love you’re looking for

— Poetry is cliché so let your prospective date know they’re special by writing a five-page footnoted essay about why they should go with you.

— Submit a Lovelorn ad to the Eighth Page — easy and practical!

— Signal by smoke signal or Morse code that you like them.  If they don’t understand, they’re not worth it.

— Tell everyone you “have someone back at home” and stay in without feeling ridiculed.

— Shoot them a polite and friendly email — CC your mother and house counselor.

— Over-cut for a strategic restriction next Saturday.