The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Abbot Ball “Just Not My Scene” Says Senior with No Other Options

Over coffee in Lower Right this Thursday, Matthew Crane ’18 nonchalantly mentioned to his table that he had made the decision not to attend his last Abbot Ball. Matt, who has only recently decided that Abbot Ball is “just not his scene,” looked into finding a date earlier this week.

“I started making a small list by using command+F ‘Senior’ on the directory — only about 500 names,” said Crane.

“Luckily, once I’d eliminated the boys, the frankly unrealistic girls, and the ones who already had dates, I was able to compile approximately three options,” continued Crane.

These three lucky ladies later reported a late-night text from Matt reading,  “Hey u going to Abbott with anyone? [sic]” Unfortunately, Matt had created a group instead of texting individually, and his efforts were unsuccessful.

Quoting John Palfrey, Matt drew on his knowledge of the “growth mindset” to move on in his quest to enjoy his crowning Abbot Ball.  Following the incident, Brad Hopper ’18 reports hearing Matt say that he was planning to “go with his bros instead.”

“We’ve all been approached for setups already. There’s no ‘bros’ left for him to go with,” said Hopper, pitifully.

Not wanting to face the dance with neither friends nor a date, Crane finally admitted defeat.

At press time, Crane was reportedly heard discussing the dance with a librarian, saying “Nah, it’s not for me, I’m gonna just stay in or go to some AHS party.” Matt, who is from North Dakota, does not know a single person from Andover High and will most likely be staying in next next Saturday.