The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Meet our New Associates. As described by the New Associates.

Alex Bernhard: Alex “Thinks He Has Game” Bernhard, unfortunately preceded by his reputation as a dedicated squash player, refers to himself only as “a varsity athlete” in hopes that one might assume the “S” on his jacket stands for soccer. Find him practicing his moves on the courts or on the Great Lawn after dark.

He dresses to impress, proudly representing the small community of Manhattan students in chinos and polo necks, though if he’s feeling extra silly he adds a dash of salmon pink. He would describe his style as “timeless” and “taking after his father.”

Compensating for his lack of conversational skills, Alex communicates mainly in sarcastic comments and Will Ferrell or Sasha Baron Cohen movie quotes. He was once, out of pity, described as “kind of funny sometimes,” and has worn the title like a trophy ever since.

Though consistently surrounded by groups of girls, Alex feels lost and lonely without the companionship of ex-roommate and only male friend, who has found other kids as a prefect in Rockwell.

Alex invites you to “drop a line” to his Andover email if you think you can fill the void in his life.

A true visionary, Alex, who exclusively listens to country and “American classics,” thinks he’s above pop culture, and often whines about “the state of kids these days.”

Sophia Gilmore: 

Low budget clown, town fool, second-rate magician — Sophia Gilmour goes by many names, but most recently she has acquired her greatest of all: “Assistant to the Associate Editor of the Eighth Page.”

It doesn’t take a skilled eye to see the hilarious satire in her writing, but it does take a very special one that most people don’t have. The newspaper isn’t her entire life, but it is the most interesting part of it so feel free to skip the next few lines.

She enjoys sitting in the den alone, being lab partners with teachers, and giving unsolicited tours to new students in order to “make friends.” Right off the bat, it isn’t hard to tell she’s not from America, but England: the one country Americans are the least interested in learning about and also the only one without a food night in Paresky Commons.

Sophia knows quite a bit about making people laugh — sometimes just introducing herself is enough. I spent a couple days tracking down Sophia’s friends to find out what words they would use to describe her, but after a week and several hundred dollars in PI fees, I was unable to find any. Never fear, the Eighth Page has never been in better, albeit clammier, hands.