The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Student 3D Prints Device That Causes Targeted Malfunction in All Calculators Present

Saying that it was the only thing he could have done at the time, Luther Protter ’18, now in custody with PAPS, allegedly created a device that has the capacity to disable all TI-84 calculators within a 100 foot radius. Sources confirm that the device was 3D printed in the Makerspace just days earlier.

“Protter had been working on a really big project for a while, but he wouldn’t tell any of us what it was about,” explained Protter’s close friend, Laney Havershire ’18, another Makerspace aficionado.

“I honestly just thought that he was working on his robot for the upcoming competition,” continued Havershire. Protter supposedly returned to his dorm with a strange plastic device in hand the night before the Chemistry AP exam.

“He did have one of his Makerspace creations with him when he signed in that night, but nothing seemed off about his character,” said house counselor, explaining that Protter’s mannerisms were normal that night.

The next morning, around 50 students reported to McKeen Hall at 8:00 a.m. for the AP.

“Everything was fine until I heard this high pitched sound, and smelled burning plastic. I looked down, and my calculator had stopped working,” explains Mary Silkey ’17. Multiple students reported that a mass panic gradually ensued in the room after this sound was emitted, seemingly from near Protter’s seat.

“At first, people were just whispering to their neighbors, but then everyone realized that they had the same problem. People started screaming and some threw their calculators at the wall to see if that would make them work,” said Silkey.

Protter allegedly sat in the corner and frantically rushed through his free response section as the others panicked. “We figured out that it was Luther because he was the only one still working. The proctors had to form a human shield around him so he wouldn’t get attacked,” Silkey explained.

At press time, Protter was crying in his PAPS cell and was begging for forgiveness from all the cluster deans and Officer Wendy.