The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: This Week’s Top Headlines

-Revisit Host Overwhelmed by Andover
Campus and Classes

-College Rejection Letter Mailed in Deceptively Fancy Envelope

-Prefect Advising Freshman About
Succeeding at Andover Yet to Start Paper Due Tomorrow

-Student Activities ‘Nugget Night’ a Rousing Success

-Commons Soft Serve Machine Really Taking Its Sweet Time

-It is Apparently Chubbies Season

-Upper Confused Why He Needs to be
Undergraduate to Do Complex Summer Internship Requiring Maturity and Work Ethic

-Senior Gift Just Some Dumb Tree