The Eighth Page

School Co-Presidents Informed Of Machinery, Maintenance, Supply Difficulties, and Financal Costs Associated with Installing Chocolate Milk on the Second Floor of Paresky Commons

Detailing the numerous economic, spatial, and nutritional obstacles interfering with the installation of a chocolate milk machine on the second floor of Paresky Commons, a report created by a team of faculty advisors and deans was presented to the school’s newly elected Co-Presidents, informing them that such a proposal would not be taking effect in the near or distant future.

“Right off the bat,” the report said, “there are the costs of buying a brand new milk refrigerator and of doubling the amount of chocolate milk the school purchases, not to mention the energy another milk fridge would waste. Then, we’ve got to task one of our already over-worked Commons staff members with cleaning the machine regularly and swapping out not only the five-gallon bags of milk that go in each refrigerator, but also the little trays that catch the stray droplets of milk that drip out the straws. Furthermore, those trays are not compatible with the industrial Hobart dishwasher our kitchens use, so they have to be washed by hand,” continued the bulletin.

“Did you consider any of this before writing your platform? Do you really think this idea is a worthy use of your power as standard-bearers? Does Andover really need to indulge in so much opulence? How quickly does the school owe you more of a luxury you don’t even deserve?”