The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: A Note on the Roast from the Section’s New Editors.

Dear Reader,

When we first heard that this week we would be making fun of The Phillipian’s old and new editorial boards in a section twice as long as our typical one page, our first reaction was anger because we would have to do more work than usual. After the anger, though, we just felt disappointment because the kids who work on the paper are our friends and we don’t really want to make fun of them. Also, the only people who take The Phillipian seriously are the people who work here, and ridicule is only funny if the targets are powerful and influential. If they’re scrappy and commonly a punchline, like The Phillipian, then mocking them is just mean.

But then we realized that the people who work for The Phillipian are kind of full of themselves and probably deserve to be taken down a peg. So, in that spirit, we are proud to present Features’ annual “Roast the Board” edition.

Look, although the Features Roast tradition is undeniably a little harsh on our colleagues, the truth is we’re just as annoying and vain as the rest of the people who work here, and no one could possibly care about us enough to be hurt by anything we say.

Also, we’re full-on editors now! Who decided to put us in charge? Seems like a bad idea. Get ready for a lot of stupid fonts!


Charlie Mayhew and Connor Devlin