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Features — Phillipian Satire: Top Ten Ways to Ensure a Secular Holiday

10. Ditch the old Santa and celebrate a world leader instead.

9. If you see a reindeer, have venison for dinner.

8. Avoid typically “Christmasy” colors like red, green, blue, white, silver, purple, and gold.

7. Instead of distributing gelt, give children a pamphlet detailing the holidays and traditions of all world religions.

6. Decorate a holiday shrub with secular objects, like shoelaces or thumbtacks.

5. Don’t make a dreidel – use that clay for a game of nonreligious Cranium instead!

4. Bake cookies in the shapes of simple polygons.

3. Call your latkes “Agnostic Cakes” and your kugel “Non-Abrahamic Noodle Dish.”

2. When placing a star atop your shrub, make sure to announce it is not the star over Bethlehem, but one of the other 100 billion stars in the Milky Way.

1. Instead of watching a nativity scene, visit your local midwife!