The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: Schedule-Elect Assassinated: Shock… Disbelief… Grief…

In a stunning rebuke of the proposed changes to Andover’s daily itinerary, the faculty assassinated the Schedule-Elect 4×5, after an advisory vote held this week.

The assassination is a final act of aggression following four months of dissent voiced by students and teachers alike.

The Schedule-Elect was initially treated in a joking manner by many students, and it was voted in on a platform of vague promises, radical ideologies, and fear-mongering about the current state of student health.

For many faculty members, the 4×5 was a lesser of two evils – a slightly better option than its alternative, the 7×3, which most deemed untrustworthy.

Once selected, however, the 4×5 grew divisive, with many worrying the modifications would be discriminatory towards S.T.E.M. subjects like Environmental Biology and World Languages, particularly the school’s newly created online Arabic course.

Furthermore, critics argued that Andover lacked the professional development and experience to swear in the 4×5.

And so, after weeks of harsh words and impassioned rhetoric, the schedule has been killed, ending the incredibly brief reign of a Schedule-Elect that clearly had no idea what it was doing.

Editor’s Note: The Schedule-Elect is, apparently, on life-support in the Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center until further notice.