The Eighth Page

Features – Phillipian Satire: BREAKING NEWS URGENT ASAP: The Two-Week Period: Uncovered

The two weeks between Thanksgiving and Winter Break are a time for celebration: friends reuniting, classes restarting, and people making dumb snowmen in Flagstaff Courtyard. All around campus, students live in and embrace the secular, inclusive, holiday cheer.

“I came back to school having caught up on sleep and my favorite TV show, ‘Gilmore Girls,’ ” said Susie Quimp ’20.  “After all, it is only two weeks of school. I plan to have enough time after school to go downtown every day and buy my nondenominational peppermint lattes. And homework will be easy, you know? Having a fourteen-day unit in a class is kind of like having a eight-week term: totally unproductive and useless. It’s going to be totally impossible to have a substantial assignment.”

However, contrary to what Quimp and others believed, these two weeks are cast down straight from Satan himself as a preview to hell.

“I mean, the least the teachers could do is an introduction, but I’m pretty sure that being kind physically pains them,” said Willie Frie ’18. “The first thing my teacher said to me was ‘English 300 is going to be quite difficult this term. Are you guys excited to start?’ ”

Students have taken to Silent Study as a gathering hall to mourn and cope. Anger punctuates the stuffy air with each aggressive flip of the Bio-580 textbook.

“I’d honestly rather be anywhere than here,” said Emma Tulip ’17. “Even stuck in an airport in Chennai, India, with no water or electricity. Wow, that was a time to be alive. But here? With this snow? I’d take monsoons any day.”

Student Imagines Weekender Activities

Student Imagines Weekender Activities