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Features — Phillipian Satire: Special Diets for Thanksgiving? Try These Substitutions!

Gluten-Free Vegan Stuffing

Try substituting tofu for stuffing – you won’t regret it. This healthier alternative will taste crummy, so you know it’s healthy. However, this stuffing isn’t for eating. Rather it will serve as a talking point for your vegan lifestyle. When someone wryly asks, “Oh, this is… interesting. What’s in this?” merely respond with a disapproving grimace and spew vegan buzzwords like “soy,” “ethic,” and “global warming.”

Mac Without Cheese

Don’t be fooled by its name, mac without cheese is exactly the same thing as mac and cheese, except it doesn’t have cheese. Nobody likes carrots anyways, so why not use them to give your carb-filled dish the same chemical orange colour of the boxed stuff? Dress with cayenne pepper to show that you tried.

Meatless Turkey

Instead of roasting a dead bird with a lemon stuffed in it, serve up some healthy, ethical meatless protein by whizzing chickpeas into an appetizing mush and freezing in a silicone turkey-shaped mold. It’ll be perfectly lumpy and dry, just like how your aunt makes it!

Moral Brussel Sprouts

Vegan brussel sprouts – just like real brussels sprouts, except these little green pockets of joy are ethically raised! Ensure you purchase free-range ones that have at least three miles of space to roam free and are picked in a gentle, caring, humane way.