The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: Features Looks Back on Thanksgiving

Key to the Table of Chaos:

  1. Your flatulent uncle who recently moved to a monastery.
  2. Your greedy brother.
  3. Your angry and opinionated cousin.
  4. Your father who made the turkey.
  5. Your father’s trophy wife.
  6. Your grandfather, Christopher Columbus.
  7. Your grandmother.
  8. Someone you’ve never seen before in your life.
  9. Your free-spirited aunt in the severely low-cut top.


The Andover Thanksgiving: A Lyrical History

On a sunny November day,

The Andover Pilgrims came to lay

A feast for their native friends

Of porridge, corn, and cookies from their dens.

The natives looked with surprise and joy

before asking, “Wait, does this have soy?”

They needed something to quench their thirst,

Perhaps, a drink containing a sugary burst.

They went to buy a coke,

Only to find their Susie’s was a joke.

Not deterred and still merry,

They decided on a blended berry—

Full of gladness and with a big grin,

They hurried back to sign in.

(The day was a total success

But nonetheless work it was time to address).

Thus concluded the first Andover Thanksgiving,

And set the precedent for living

In the Den every weekend night,

Wond’ring if coming here was right.

(as told by Alex Bernhard).