The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: Chapstick

A disaster has hit the Andover campus; the Den has run out of its entire supply of chapstick and the students have been flung into a state of disarray. Just after finishing their Common Apps, students have been beginning to ‘get back out there.’

However, the icy wind and biting cold have been gnawing away at the lips of Andover students, causing them to be chapped and dry. Furthermore, the stress pimples caused by college applications have not been helpful when attempting to find a significant other to help get through the winter.

Many students actually believe the chapped lips epidemic to be a cunning and devious act by the administration, in effort to prevent the student body from participating in the “hook-up culture,” providing a break for those PAPS officers whose job it is to roam around Elson, Tang, and Graves on Friday and Saturday nights.

It has been observed that students are doing anything they can to protect their succulent lips before they succumb to the dryness. Recently, many students have been seen running in and out the Sykes Center after many DIY lip balm remedies went awry.

In addition, the counseling department have expressed the sudden spike in appointment numbers, made particularly by faculty. “It seems that the counseling center of Sykes has become ridden with more teachers than students recently — something about a chapstick crisis and being scarred by couples of saliva-sharing students,” stated Dr. Mixstix in a state of distress. Hopefully this chaotic crisis will be settled before the Halloween festivities this weekend.