The Eighth Page

Features – Phillipian Satire: Student Superstitions (Friday the 14th)

Getting into College

The college process makes Senior Year a stressful time for everyone (except for Tim and his stupid recruitment letter). However, there is a way to guarantee acceptance into college for all of you who are too busy playing “activist.” The first and most important step is lighting your roommate’s mattress on fire as an offering to the gods.

Next print out all of your essays (the looks you get at the printer are worth it) and chant the ancient rhymes of your forefathers at the paper while massaging its footnotes and listening to how its day was.

Then and only then can you do the ceremonial sealing of the fur pouch and ship your application on the back of a chosen mammal. Follow all these steps and just watch the incredible results!

“Assignment Graded” Email

Nothing is scarier than seeing the Canvas “Assignment Graded” email. Everyone knows what if feels like: you get a hot flash and start to smell mustard. Fear not, though, as there is a remedy that will ensure a good grade.

The instant you see the email, lace up your best pair of sandals and take a quick crab walk around Bulfinch. Then go into a bathroom and look in the mirror.

Sing the phrase “Love the game and it will love you back” six times to the tune of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts.” After this, you may open the email while locking arms with your house counselor under the bright and stinky moon and receive your stellar grade!

Not Catching the Plague

Being sick at school is just the worst, and Sykes Wellness Center doesn’t even have the friendly ghosts that Isham did. To make sure you never get the Andover flu, follow these easy steps: First, the obvious: stare at Mr. Palfrey through the windows of his office, and if he notices you recite the Hippocratic Oath.

Regardless of how many times this happens, your effort will be noted by fate. Next go to the Admissions building and steal all the complimentary apple muffins. Leave these outside of Sykes to stir up goodwill.

Next, record Drumline practices and play them as you fall asleep to keep the congested demons at bay while you slumber. The final and most important step is to squirt Purell on the great lawn and spell out “non sibi” which is Latin for “not for me.”

This lets your sickness know, in a polite but firm manner, that being sick just isn’t for you. Follow all of these steps to the letter and reap the rewards of a tissue-free year!