The Eighth Page

Features — Phillipian Satire: Meet the Medieval PGs

Eirik Hakon ’17

Eirik Hakon ’17, a Post-Graduate (PG) hailing from northern Finland, is the greatest lamb chucker to ever grace the grounds of ye olde Academy.

“Many of you heathens are unfamiliar with the glorious bloodsport of lamb chucking,” said Hakon when confused peers asked about his sport. “It is the act of throwing a, typically baby, lamb body on the third full moon of the year, as far as one can.”

When questioned about what drew him to such an interesting activity, Hakon said, “Lamb chucking was my gateway to the glorious Val-Harvard in the Cambridgian mountains. I needed to separate myself from the typical Finnish masses, who all had long, flowing manes, ample facial hair, and perfect scores on their seafaring exams. Ever since, I’ve dedicated my life to the sport.”

When asked if the lamb’s squeals were inhibiting his performance, Hakon replied, “Absolutely not. In fact, the lamb’s squeals are Thor’s way of transferring energy to me.”

Hakon is ready to strangle any future competition much like those young lambs.


Astrid Sigrid ’17

Astrid Sigrid ’17 is the latest edition to PA’s jousting team, as if they need any more recruits. Sigrid is a Post-Graduate (PG) from the Svalbard Global Seed Vault on the northernmost island off the coast of Norwegia. She is already one of the most aggressive riders at PA, striking down 83.7 percent of her opponents last season.

Typically, reports are only done on PGs during their season, which for Sigrid would be in the spring. However, for the almighty Sigrid, an exception was made.

Already having participated in pre-season jousting training, troubles have been brewing between the jousting team and PAXC. Both PA Jousting and PAXC practice in the sanctuary, and numerous collisions have occurred.

Elaborating on her attacks against a prestigious campus team, she remarked, “Back in Norwegia, we took jousts at 25-30 m.p.h. to the face all the time. These helmets and body pads are not only ill-fitting, but a suggestion that women are weak. I will not stand to it!”

Watch out WOFO, you are about to earn a rather feisty member!


Vladimir Inge ’17

Vladimir Inge ’17, a Scandinavian Post-Graduate (PG) who departed from the womb as a man, skipping boyhood entirely, brings bulging biceps and an even bigger heart to Andover’s dragon riding team.

You’ve probably seen him around, gliding along, one knee on his dragon. In the beginning of school, he rode his dragon everywhere in order to tame it for the Andover Way of Life. Now, you can find him with two pterodactyls under his arms, joining him for every class.

He brings much needed experience and a caring touch to Andover’s Empathy and Balance Curriculum. See the almighty Vladimir cruising towards you on the path? Don’t brace for a treacherous impact that his figure may suggest. Rather, prepare yourself for a fantastic hug by Andover’s newest dragon tamer.


Tybalt Terrowin ’17

A foreign addition to the varsity stone lifting team, Irish-born Post-Graduate (PG) Tybalt Terrowin ’17 has come to Andover from across the glen and down the mountainside. Graduating from O’Brien O’Mallary O’MacLeary High, he hopes to use his rakish Northern looks and fighting spirit to leave a lasting legacy.

Terrowin has a long history of varsity stone lifting: “My friends and I actually started stone lifting when we were five. My papa forced me to start as a way of ensuring that I find a mate. So far it’s been ineffective, as all I’ve gotten is other male stone-lifters asking about what size stone I can lift.”

When asked about his favorite hobbies, Terrowin responded, “My lifestyle is very rustic. I wrestle with animals and attack boats.” Let’s hope he can take those talents all the way to the quarry