The Eighth Page

Features – Phillipian Satire: The Medieval Disciplinary Committee: Exposed

Hear ye, hear ye. The following is an outline of the updated Disciplinary Committee procedure and rulings as decreed by Snow Queen Smelliotta herself. The actions warranting a DC are as follows: having fun, housing a tavern wench in thy quarters, pilfering goblets, chalices, and cutlery from the Paresky Castle Banquet Hall; possessing sniffing spices or mulled wine, roaming the Andover Kingdom grounds past the eventide setting of the sun, taunting Steve the Dragon; behaving like a motley fool during daily lessons; chanting incantations in the room of silence, espying work that belongs to another peasant, showing ankles or dancing too provocatively at a Student Ball, stealing mutton from the dungeon cellars, displaying or distributing lewd tapestries and portraiture, the journeying beyond the boundaries of the Kingdom into the Essex County Outer Realms, and being caught in a Day Student’s wagon without the required brand on the steed.

The process begins with an interrogation – we would like to remind thou that neither the Magna Carta nor the Geneva Convention apply to the Kingdom of Andover. During this time, the queen’s knights, who strike fear into all with their Velcro armor and fuel efficient stallions, will subject thou to multiple physical tests (the bruises thou sustainest are from iron deficiency, so don’t whine about it), and malicious threats, such as the shaving of points off thy GPA and leaving thy average hanging on the edge or the sending of a scroll riddled with errors to thy teachers.

After this comes the Table of Judgment. Here thou must sit in front of thy own peers as they gossip about the incident as if thou weren’t there. Thou must sit there and bear it or fear more charges, and thy own word will be treated as if it came from a toad’s mouth.

The final chapter is facing the ultimate authority, the queen herself. She serves as queen, so thou knows she can really screw with thou. She is also the sole judge and executioner. Punishments range from cleaning the freshmen’s stables or feeding the moat’s alligators to mandatory participation in the Weekender Bulletin’s dueling tournaments or banishment to the Red Castle.

Note: There is an entirely different procedure regarding witches; please reference thy Blue Manuscript for more information.