The Eighth Page

Features–Phillipian Satire: Sasha Obama to Join Class of 2019

In one of the best kept secrets in recent Andover history, the White House has confirmed that Sasha Obama will attend Andover next fall as a new Lower.

An anonymous Admissions officer declared his enthusiasm for Sasha’s decision to matriculate to Andover.
“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have Sasha come to Andover. She is bright, interesting, and is sure offer a unique perspective to this school,” said the officer.

The Admissions team as a whole not only vetted Sasha’s application, but ensured that Sasha and her Secret Service entourage would be able to blend into the Academy.

“Given Sasha’s academic performance and competency, she would be an asset to any school. We are delighted that she has chosen Andover,” wrote Iem Afterü, Dean of Admission, in an email to The Phillipian.

The Office of Buildings and Grounds is in the process of negotiating a lease contract with an empty house on Main Street in order to support Sasha’s staff. This has proven to be an unexpectedly easy choice as town residents are lining up to offer their houses in hopes of increasing property value.

“I have safely evacuated my belongings from the house. I’m confident that my house will be picked since my aunt saw [Sasha’s] father back in 2008,” said Suhbur B. Ah, a long-time resident of Andover.

In anticipation for the costs that are associated with providing a strong support system for Sasha, the Comptroller’s Office issued a corrected bill to parents via email on Thursday.

“In order to continue providing the highest quality of education for your child, we regret to announce that in order for her to attend starting in September, we have attached an updated bill for your consideration. On it, you will find that the previous amount of $47,372 has been revised to $69,296. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause,” read the email.
So, get ready, Andover. Sasha Obama will be moving onto campus in the fall. Prepare your eyes for countless secret service men and lots of paparazzi.