The Eighth Page

George H.W Bush Donates Memorial Statue

This past Monday, March 28th, Head of School, John Palfrey, announced the erection of a George H.W Bush Memorial Metal Statue. The building will commence just over one year from now, on April 20, 2017. Mr. Palfrey and President Bush met with The Phillipian staff to discuss the building plans and vision for this grand new addition to the Andover campus.

Palfrey, Bush and the Academy’s reasoning for the building of this metal statue is two-fold. Firstly, in accordance with his recently published book, BiblioTech: Why Libraries Matter More Than Ever in the Age of Google, Mr. Palfrey would like to see another statue placed next to the library to make sure students are attracted to the library and the areas around it.

According to Dean of Feelings, Joseph Smith, students are 53% more likely to work in a place where they are sexually awakened. Not surprisingly, students average 8.9% higher on tests when they study in the vicinity of metal statues. In 2017, once the new statue is constructed in the name of Bush, there will be two phallic shaped statues near the library, and Andover students will actually succeed for once.

George H.W Bush’s first love, a graduate of Abbot Academy, also inspired him to donate millions to this statue. President Bush’s retelling of the adolescent relationship he shared with Gertrude is the stuff of dreams are made. President Bush hopes to honor his first love, Gertrude, with the creation of this statue.

This statue has the potential to be the future of Andover. It also supports Phillips Academy’s commitment to knowledge, empathy, balance and love. The bill was officially signed last Friday. President Bush was so excited to hand over the money he nearly peed his presidential pants. Andover looks forward to the construction of this statue, as it will be bigger and Bush-ier than ever. Keep a look out for bulldozers and dump trucks in front of the library; you wouldn’t want to get plowed over.