The Eighth Page

April Horoscopes

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The outlook is not good today, Aquarius. If you are taking a theater course, be aware of falling stage lights and heavy-set curtains. Though they will not hit you, they may piss your teacher off enough to make you memorize a script that must be delivered so passionately it could send a hurricane into motion. Unlike many other students at Andover, you will get stopped at the intersection at Salem Street for eight minutes, leaving you with approximately two minutes to get to class. As long as you get m3ore than 9.25 hours of sleep, though, you have a possibility of staying healthy but if you don’t, expect a difficult few days with cough drops in your throat.

May 21 – Jun. 20

Hey, Gemini. The descending path of Mercury this month strongly indicates that you’re going to be craving that gross protein Naked drink from the den. Like all the time. Along with this, a mysterious figure will soon emerge and enter your life. It might be a new lover – already desperate for Last Chance, are you? – or it might just be your revisit from Kentucky. Either way, you’re in for an interesting gym class. This month may leave a sour taste in your mouth; even though you submitted your add/drop slip right on time, you’re still not going to get into Lighting class. After this, your skies will brighten up when the Weekender comes out and you realize you can fit this Sunday’s wellness activity into your packed schedule of aggressively staring at your math textbook and drafting poorly-written emails asking for extensions.

Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

The last quarterly moon phase should lead you to evaluate what is working for you in your life and what is not. Should the socks and sandals look really be your go-to spring shoe attire? Do you really want to walk around campus in shoes we haven’t seen since Jesus’s time? Make sense of your world, and think ponder if whether or not you really need to go on another Den run. The transition in moon phases should represent change. Think about your lifestyle and retiring the habits of winter hibernation, and going outside, even if it is your first time in three months. Some of you should be prepared for incineration, as a fair number of us have turned into vampires. Along with change comes some surprises. Expect the unexpected. Don’t be alarmed when bae all of a sudden says: “I’m pregnant.”

Feb. 19 – Mar. 20

Be prepared, you lovely fishies: Your future looks bright! When you go to Commons in the morning, the chocolate milk tank will be full and the bagel line short. A great day is on the horizon. Pisces, it is essential that you take a daily dip in either the Borden Gym swimming pool or Rabbit Pond. Take an hour out of your day to explore all that Andover offers, like Tony’s office in the gym and the bathroom on the second floor of Pearson Hall. Moreover, any tests that you might have over the next two days will be cancelled, and you will receive high sixes. Conversely, you will experience vivid nightmares, conjuring images of the Bicentennial statue moving up and down at irregular intervals. Stay hydrated – your parched throat will be really receptive of any fluids you put into it. And smile – you’re on camera!

Jun. 21 – Jul. 22

No, Cancer. The ‘love in the solar system’ this week won’t make up for that weird haircut you got over break. We all get nostalgic for the early 2000s sometimes but that doesn’t mean you should chop off your hair so you can look like a less self-assured Rachel from “Friends.” That PG you won’t shut up about still won’t respond, even though the dog’s tongue stays out for a few seconds longer than normal on the Snapchat you send. The upcoming Neptune regression is a sign to open your heart and think positively about the future. There’s a new fro-yo machine and grapes are in the salad bar again, so things are looking up. Dark thunderclouds are approaching on the horizon during this solar cycle, but they aren’t necessarily an omen of destruction. The upcoming downpour is just a sign that you should probably stop going on so many den runs during study hours.

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

According to the waning moon, there will be opportunities waiting for you. Gain the courage to talk to that special someone, and at the next dance, instead of dancing two arms’ length distance away, move in for that ~one arm’s length~. Be on the lookout from a potential lover for an invitation to go to a sheltered place. Looking forward, the arrival of spring is going to bring you good tidings. Get ready for lawning! If you don’t play sports, get ready for Andover’s most intense one: battling people for those precious spots on the grass. If you wanted to make a varsity sport but didn’t, varsity lawning is your chance! See who can take the most photos. This is your chance to get a varsity jacket!

Mar. 21 – Apr. 19

You’ve felt extremely frustrated these past few fortnights, “working” extra hours in the rafters of Tang, then canoodling in the sanctuary with friends late at night. This sort of behavior is known as Pearson tendency, and it rarely has a happy ending, Aries. You need to take personal time from all of your classes, ideally with someone special. May I suggest that you lock yourselves in the Athletic stockroom? The stench of the lacrosse jerseys has been known to mimic the effects of cannabis and in the most extreme cases, acid. It’s likely that your romantic partner misses you and would jump at the opportunity to spend an intimate evening among the equipment with you. Academically, this month has been great for you, Aeries. However, things are about to change. On Monday, your most high achieving moon, Venus, shifts into the zone of temptation. You will not be able to resist the urge to go outside and frolic about the Flagstaff courtyard. All of your sixes will slowly disappear, as will your chances at getting that coveted last spot at your favorite Ivy League School.

Jul. 23 – Aug. 22

When the stars of pluto and the asteroids of upper year align on the 32nd you will be caught in a whirlwind of tedious tasks and shortcomings. Your math teacher will ask you to spend 9th period clapping erasers in your 3rd floor classroom, and this week the supply of chicken nuggets in the den will run dry just as you are getting there for 4th meal. As soon as you walk into Commons for your conference period snack, you will realize that an anonymous freshman has just taken the last muffin. This is due to the overlap of Saturn’s rings with Uranus’s moons. On the bright side, other effects of this overlap include a lucky 6th cookie dough ball on Friday, a decrease in people cat-bonering you, and a strange increase in the water pressure, but not temperature, of your showers.

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Romance is in the air for you, Sagittarius, and the celestial bodies have positioned themselves in ways of great fertility: Orion’s Door (“Porta Orionis”) has swung 90 degrees counter-clockwise, Ursa’s Light Switch (“Lux Ursae”) is shining bright in the northern hemisphere, and Scorpius the House Counselor (“Scorpius, Domus Legatus”) is aligning with Cassiopeia’s Dorm Room (“Spatium Cubicularium Cassiopeiae”) at regular intervals through the night – all signs leading to agreeable and cosmically-approved relationships. Don’t forget, too, that love can come from the most surprising places: in an Elson art classroom, for example, or on a yoga mat in a bathroom on the second floor of Gelb, or by that tombstone in the cemetery that curves in just the right ways. Follow your passions where they lead you; you may be the Archer, but this week, Cupid’s firing off the shots. Oh yeah, and Mercury’s in retrograde, so your WiFi’s going to be really slow.

Apr. 20 – May 20

An interest in health and nutrition could come to the surface for you this week, Taurus. New epiphanies regarding the benefits of certain nutrients such as the french fry, exercise programs such as having a movie marathon of the Harry Potter series, or other forms of alternative therapy could attract your attention. In particular, I recommend “The Den Cleanse”. On this cleanse, only foods above 679 calories are permitted. You might want to attend a lecture of some kind in order to learn more about it. Ones that I have found as particularly helpful include the forum hosted by “Out of The Green” on the prejudices against green vegetables, the lecture given by Maggie Dip, creator of fried food, and the High-Fat Fro-Yo convention. It will be tricky, but you must not give into the temptation to eat that luscious, mouth-watering piece of green broccoli. Good luck to you.

Aug. 23 – Sep. 22

Your homework load will rise with the rise of Jesus on the 27th. As Jupiter’s red spot swirls out of control, so will your brain. You know what they say: “you go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” This increase in stupidity will abide by Newton’s third law: for every action, there is an equal and opposite decrease in your GPA. In other news, you will face an overwhelming feeling of needing to sneeze and then not sneezing when the comet of all things evil passes over you on the 2nd. Your April fool’s day plans should include staying in a panic room and eating endless amounts of canned goods unless you want to get pantsed in Lower Right during your lunch period. Should you decide to brave the pranks, some payback ideas might be water balloons filled with maple syrup, asking to borrow a pen and not giving it back, and/or replacing someone’s peppermint gum with pepper.

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You’ve been very diligent lately, Capricorn, but give yourself a break from your studying. It’s not that you can’t do well on your math test, it’s just that you won’t! So instead of worrying, get outside and enjoy the springtime. The sun is sick in the Sykes Wellness Center right now (hence the rain and clouds), but life is nevertheless undeniably sprouting all around us. Just like you. Everything you touch recently has turned green and sprouted wonderfully…although maybe you just have the plague. Take some Advil! You’ll be fine. That’s what everyone around you keeps telling you, “You’ll be fine”. Hopefully. If not, hop in a boat and sail to Canada. Start a family. Features will send monthly checks.