The Eighth Page

What Type of Finals Studier Are You?

The “Three Weeks Before”

“My parents know not to be concerned if I seem to drop completely off the face of the earth a month before finals,” said Gettit “Getlit” Dunn ’18, a student looking to popularize the “Three Weeks Before” approach to finals studying. While the Three Weeks Before approach has declined in popularity due to the sheer volume of converts to the “Giver Uppers,” students like Dunn are making an active attempt to bring their methodology back into common culture.

“The only drawback to studying this way is that when I start to review, my class hasn’t even covered half of the material that’s going to be on the final,” said Dunn. “I start to scrutinize the syllabus as soon as it is handed out on the first day of class and typically have a study guide finished three hours later,” he continued.

Some of Dunn’s teachers have expressed concern about his extreme habits. “I was slightly confused when Gettit came to me with questions on material that was actually scheduled for him to learn next term,” said Emily Sanderson, Dunn’s Math 595 teacher scheduled for Spring Term. “I hadn’t even met Gettit when he came up to my office in tears after attempting the questions,” continued Sanderson.

“Unfortunately, I do think his peers are bound to isolate him when he suggests holding a finals study session for right after the first class period of the term,” claimed Sanderson while shaking her head.

When approached for comment, Dunn’s dormmates seemed to be unsure of who he was. “I think Gettit is that kid who always tries to get away with listening to the audio version of his chem textbook during the dorm meetings,” mused a dormmate who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

The Procrastinator

During Finals Week, many “Procrastinators” can be seen around campus – but you won’t see them working. They typically populate Susie’s, fully aware that they’re not there to buy anything, walking in circles around the stacks of junk food and then promptly leaving.
On rare occasions, a Procrastinator will run into a non-procrastinator. When confronted by a non-procrastinator, the Procrastinator will further procrastinate by discussing all the work yet to be done.

If Procrastinators do happen to go into the Oliver Wendell Holmes Library – most likely into “Silent” Study – they will choose a seat next to one of their friends whom the Procrastinators believe they will not get distracted by. Before they know it, the latest @beigecardigan post will be pulled up on their phone, and they can be seen making endless motions of “down-swipe, double-tap, repeat.” They then will begin to stare blankly ahead, accidentally making horrific eye contact with other “Silent” Study-goers.

Some Procrastinators begin to focus their attention on the numerous Silent Study couples, ultimately thinking about why they are still single and alone.

The”Morning After”

To infinity and beyond! At long last, the final exam is over, and it’s time to hit the books. The dreaded tests might be over, but this academic weapon begins to study only in the mornings that follow. She is part of a growing population at Andover who practice the “Morning After.”
According to Tex T. Buk ’16, a strong believer of the method, the study plan “gives purpose to an otherwise laid-back spring break. [The tactic] statistically guarantees disappointed parents, which means you’ll have a great conversation starter.”

Buk further explained how the Morning After strategy helps her plan out how much effort she’ll have to put in next term to maintain her reeling GPA.

“I spend my Spring Break sitting at the dinner table, reading my Physics book and calculating the grades I’ll need to recover from my ­3 average on my final exams,” said Buk.
Buk not only truly endorses this strategy, but also gawks at students who aren’t as receptive to the Morning After.

“If you don’t follow [the Morning After strategy], you’re just someone who only does things for grades and doesn’t actually care about learning,” said Buk.

The “Giver Upper”

The population of “Giver Upper” students is on an upward trajectory. Students who identify with this ideology somehow justify not studying for finals. Often, these students will take a philosophical approach to their justification.

Tom Bunz ’17, asked, “What even is the point of school? I mean, how is any of this helping me in life? I am learning how to work hard, concentrate, meet deadlines, manage my time, et cetera, et cetera. When will I need to know that?” Bunz then proceeded to not study. The Phillipian also interviewed Iema Phale ’18 to ask her opinion of the other students.
“The kid that studies three weeks before is going to forget everything by the time the test comes around. The procrastinator will never be able to retain all that information in one night. Honestly, sleep is the most important thing for a test – even more important than knowing the material,” said Phale. Phale subsequently went to sleep, and we have not been able to get in contact with her since. Next, The Phillipian interviewed Sohdayum Kokci ’19 to ask how he approaches finals.

“Finals are all a mental game. Not in the sense that they test how well you know the material and your problem solving skills, but in the sense that you have to be confident when you take it. If you go in confident, you’ll do well. I think that’s just science, but I wouldn’t know since I gave up after 20 minutes of Biology 100,” said Kokci.

We also asked Kokci what he thought about the grades he would receive.

“The Blue Book calls a 3 satisfactory, so that’s very satisfying for me,” said Kokci.
At the end of the day, you should be thanking the “Giver Uppers” because now your final is curved.