The Eighth Page

BKH Kisses Spread Disease

Last Friday, Andover Blue Key Heads kissed over six-ninths of the student body as part of a Valentine’s Day tradition. While this day of love from Blue Key Heads is treasured and looked forward to, Features would like to tell you the unromantic truth: The Phillipian’s 1993 “State of the Academy” reports that only 30 percent of students vigorously scrub their faces with antibacterial face wash. This means that the majority of Faces of Andover are dirty and filled with bacteria. Blue Key Head kisses pose a major risk to the health and wellness of students at Andover.

The Phillipian reached out to Sy Phyllis ’16, leader of the Blue Key Heads, for comments on the matter. “Before Valentine’s Day, I worked day and night with the Chemistry Department to develop a type of antibacterial lipstick to use before I kissed some of our less-hygienic students. Unfortunately, a snow gnome stole my antibacterial lipstick after I had kissed the majority of the [Andover] Boys Basketball team during conference. After that, I just had to use the regular CVS stuff and, after fourth period, I began to develop a ring of red measles around my lips,” said Phyllis.

Phyllis said she thought about visiting the Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center, but she didn’t want to explain why and how she had kissed so many people within only a few hours.

Another Blue Key Head, Tom Horné, claimed that her lips had swelled bigger than when she had tried the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge. “I talked to some of the other Blue Key Heads and they said that they had also developed strange lip rashes,” said Horné.

Many on campus are concerned that their scrumptious lip rashes could possibly metastasize into the 2016 PA Plague. All Blue Key Heads are now being quarantined in the baseball dugouts, monitored around-the-clock by carefully-trained professionals. The rashes, however, have begun to spread to other parts of the Blue Key Heads’ beloved bodies.

Other students who are exhibiting similar symptoms have caused an overflow at the Wellness Center, and some are now being housed in a practice room in the basement of Graves Hall. In order to prevent further spreading of the rash, the deans have temporarily prohibited kissing. Students caught with their lips within six inches of another student’s lips will be promptly dismissed.

Andover has not seen a kissing incident this bad since Madame Sarah Abbot opened the gates between the girls and boys schools. Next year, Andover will have to be extra cautious to ensure no student gets too much Blue Key Head.