The Eighth Page

kLIEmate Change

We can no longer deny it. It is one of the most pressing difficulties that the modern world faces. Global warming does not exist – and that is a fact. Just Google searching “global warming doesn’t exist” displays a vast array of fair, balanced and be-lief-affirming articles.

Why trust arbitrary and skewed numbers, data, facts, scientific mod-els, decades of research, visible effects, etc., when you can trust your gut feeling? After all, your gut feeling is more biological than anything said on national television.

Just last week on her blog “kLIEmate Change,” our aunt wrote, “Just be-cause 99 percent of scientists reached a consensus that global warming exists does not mean that it is true. Guess what? Four-hundred years ago, 99 percent of scientists also believed the Earth was flat. If that’s not cold-hard evidence that dis-proves global warming, then frankly I don’t know what is.”

All you have to do is take a look at this winter. Then, ignore the abnormally warm, unwinterlike first half, and focus only on the precious hours of winter when it was snow-ing because that portion supports my claim. How can there be snow if it’s supposed to be “warm”?! Wrap your head around that one, scientists!

The media constantly spreads its heinous propaganda, so we interviewed the Koch brothers, an impartial source with absolutely no connection to the topic, to combat the liberal media’s usage of statistics. The Koch brothers said, “If you need an expert opinion on the matter, just ask one of the scientists we paid to assure you that global warming doesn’t exist.”

So we did exactly that! Kant BeBaught, Senior Expert in Radical Religious Sciences at the Big Red Refrigerator (BRR) Association, said, “After conducting much research with my two colleagues, Donald and Ben, I’ve reached the conclusion that global warming sim-ply doesn’t exist.”

Andover, it’s no longer up for debate. Please stop having forums and civil discourse. Global warming simply doesn’t exist.