The Eighth Page

OOTD: Outfit of the Dance

#1: The Nun

This 100% handmade outfit is perfect for those who need a little extra warmth for the winter. If you are salty about a lover leaving the dance with someone, just stand before them and clasp your hands together solemnly, and they will be sure to sheepishly part ways at the doors of Borden. Remember to continually chant, “Leave Room for Jesus.”

#2: The Spandex

Ultra-flexible, ultra versatile and ultra sensuous, the Spandex allows for maximum action with minimum guilt as you surf the wave. This item is multifaceted: whether you’re on the elliptical, lifting weights or doing the whip, this two-piece set will keep you feeling hugged!

#3: The Prom Dress

Can’t wait to be asked to prom? Worried you will never be asked to prom? No need to worry anymore! This year at the dance, show off that prom dress you have been craving to wear. Poofy and protective, you will have a great time in the middle of the mosh pits without worrying about bruising your limbs. If a prince asks you to ride in his carriage, but you don’t want to, deploy your skirt and float Mary Poppins-style right out of the dance.

#4: The Hazmat Suit

Flu season is here. The dance will be thriving with all sorts of different types of diseases, such as the common cold; protect yourself! Additionally, when everybody else is breathing in filthy, sweat-infused air, your built-in oxygen tank will automatically provide you with fresh air captured in the open, grassy plains of New Zealand, like that scene in Lord of the Rings.