The Eighth Page


The Weekender just came out. You scan your eyes down the “Saturday” column. Your heart stops for a second.

You realize there’s a dance this weekend.

You gasp for breath while fumbling for your Purell spray and Vitamin C tablets; you know you must start preparing your immune system now if you are ever to survive the Saturday night dance.
In the past few years, “Rageaphobia,” a fear of the extremely unhygienic conditions and overall discomfort of school dances, has plagued Andover students. This intense fear can manifest itself in multiple ways.

“I fill up a flask with warm chamomile tea to sip solemnly in the corner when the music gets too loud during dances,” said Turnitt Downe ’18.

Students like Downe tend to attend dances well-equipped with sanitation and soundproofing devices rather than avoid the dance all together, for as a wise man once said, “face your fears with ear muffs and Lysol.”

“Another time, I just brought my Yogibo and a nice CD of classical accordion with noise-cancelling headphones and set up shop in the center of the dance floor. It was really quite nice!” added Downe.

Some students, however, become overwhelmed by the sheer uncleanliness at such social events.
“Prior to attending last year’s Gommons dance, I wrapped myself completely in a layer of clear saran wrap and then thoroughly wiped the wrap down with Clorox wipes,” said Germa Phoebe ’16, president of the Students for Sanitary Living Club.