The Eighth Page

Stolen Silverware

ANDOVER, Mass.: Public Safety officers responded to a distress call from Paresky commons at 12:15 p.m., rush hour. Kay Sadilla ‘17, described seeing the suspect slipping Commons utensils into his Longchamp.

After the crime, Paresky’s Press Secretary, Mr. Halfbeefboogers released a statement regarding the theft, “Metal is an expensive alloy. If this type of thievery continues, we will have no choice but to replace all food with semi-sparkling fruit water to compensate for these losses.”

The suspect was described as a 4’ 12” boy with a not-very-knife attitude. The victim, Jonathan Sporks, told him to “fork off and to mind his own business.”

“I didn’t know what to do,” Spork admitted. “I think he’s some sort of cereal killer. He printed out my midterm report and threatened to mail it to my mother.”

Public Safety released two photos of the suspect, both featuring a selfie of celebrity Reese with her spoon. The photos were inconclusive due to the high quality friendship, low quality picture.
Anyone with information is urged to contact public safety.

Public Safety has discovered physical evidence for the case involving stolen utensils. The witness documented the evidence in a Snapchat video, in which the suspect, wearing a dark sweatshirt, using stolen forks to scratch a cult mantra on a wall in Morse.

Screenshots from the video, which are now being used as classified evidence, revealed the identity of one of the “FEECH” members. His punishment has not been decided and the discipline is coming.