The Eighth Page

The Candidates Present Their Platforms

Bobby Jindal: I, Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana, the state with one of the lowest literacy rates in the country, believe that I can fulfill the role as Headmaster and propel the academy forward into an age of prosperity and higher learning.

First off, as a biology major who received the highest honors from Brown University, I can assure you with the utmost certainty that evolution is a myth and climate change is a hoax.

I want to shut down the EcoAction club and restore the coal power plant to its former glory, providing Andover with the necessary economic means to increase our endowment to a size larger than that of Exeter.

With the upcoming opening of the Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center, I believe it is time we finally employ a team of trained priests to perform exorcisms on any affected students.

Having partaken in multiple exorcisms previously, I know firsthand that a team of trained professionals is needed to properly perform the ritual.

Backed by the National Rifle Association, I will stock all PAPS officers with potato guns, creating an environment in which all students feel protected and at ease.

I believe that arming PAPS officers will most definitely help create this sense of safety. Keep my revolutionary ideas in mind as you enter the polls this month, and remember: there’s no ‘I’ in Bobby Jindal.

Bernie Sanders: WOAAAH. There are so many people here! My name is Bernie Sanders and I aspire, behind your holistic effort, to be the next Head of School of Andover.

I want you! You: the majority, yet the weakest voices on this campus.

I will be your voice. I will be your soul. I will be your moral compass.

If elected, I will eliminate the entire institution of the admissions office to eliminate that financial burden.

Everyone should be able to take advantage of the education and the whole-wheat bagels at Commons, regardless of their academic competitivity.

Firstly, I hope to narrow the grading gap and take sixes from the upper tier of students and hand them out to anyone in the lower tier who wants one!

Some people are currently receiving 6.0s while other students work hard for 4.0s. This is preposterous!

How could an institution of such prestige continue a tradition of blatant capitalism? Everyone should get a 5.0!

If the idea of an Andover where there’s less work appeals to you, vote for me, Bernie Sanders, for the next Head of School.

Donald Trump: “People, I, Donald Trump, stand before you today. I have always wanted to become a headmaster of this prestigious school: Exe—Andover.”

“Firstly, it concerns me that people under the age of 22 are considering any interaction with the opposite sex, though I do believe that marrying a lady 20 years a man’s junior promotes healthy standards for a community.”

“That brings me to my main point: women. Ever since Abbot Academy forced itself onto Phillips Academy in the sixties, innumerable world tragedies have occurred, including the cancellation of my TV show, ‘The Apprentice.’ ”

“Clearly, we should be separating our student population by gender so as to reduce the risk of romance and/or distraction, which may lead to further national crises.”

“I propose building a wall at the entrance to Lower Right to ensure that no lowerclassmen dare to enter. So gentlemen, oh and ladies, as I said before, if you want Andover to go back to the good old days, do the community a favor and vote for me. Do YOURSELF a favor and vote for me. Sibi all the way :)”