FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT: The following email was found on Hillary Clinton’s secret server. In the interest of keeping American citizens informed about their elected representatives, this email is now being released to the public after a thorough investigation by the C.I.A. SPOILERS!! Putin makes a shocking appearance!
I’ve missed you every day since the United Nations meeting last month.
I sometimes wish I could sail over the Atlantic Ocean into your buff, toned arms and watch you kill a giant Russian bear.
Sometimes, I tune into Russian Public Radio just to hear your sensual voice. The memories of you distract me from my job as United States Secretary of State.
I miss your gleaming, glorious bald head! I miss your baggy, camouflage cargo pants!
Most of all, I love how you are a little bit shorter than me :).
You inspire me to be a better person. I hope one day to have a hairline just like yours!
I am hoping to run for President in 2016, and when I get elected, I will restore the United States’s relationship with Russia only so I have an excuse to fly to Russia every weekend to see you!
P.S. Barack is mad at you.