The Eighth Page

Features Presents: Top Ten Tips to Ace Standardized Tests

  1. Engage in a flirtatious conversation with the test proctor to get extended time.

  2. Arrive as late as possible to avoid long registration lines.

  3. Minimal stress is ideal, so don’t study.

  4. When stuck on a problem, use the effective algorithm: ABCD (works every time!).

  5. Write your essay in a foreign language of your choice (Pig Latin counts).

  6. Remember that you get extra points for how aesthetically pleasing your bubble patterns are.

  7. Cheat.

  8. Keep in mind that if you write all of your answers in Invisible Ink, you can’t technically get any of them wrong.

  9. Don’t drink any water 72 hours prior to test taking, in order to prevent having to go to the bathroom during the test.

  10. Skip the test and read Features instead.