The Eighth Page

Commons Sense

I present to you this pamphlet, afflicted in body and soul. But, mostly body…

It has been brought to my attention that although Commons has made the graceful and honorable transition from white to wheat bagels, and from creamy to watery peanut butter, these foods are not altogether healthy. They still have the nerve to be somewhat enjoyable.

The dining hall still dares to force upon us food that has not yet traded all of its edibility for health. These offenses render us both ill of spirit and of gut; our hearts and our digestive tracts call out in protest, surging forth in righteous indignation. It is a miscarriage of justice of the grossest sort that plagues our native dining hall.

We shall not accept food that is “delicious” –we demand food that is nutritious.

Walking through the upper levels of Commons, my spirit revolts against the savory smells and enticing arrays that assault me from all sides. It is a sin of the most objectionable kind to eat one’s food and enjoy it. If you have no trouble swallowing your food on the first try, you are not eating what Whole Foods would consider to be acceptable. And Whole Foods, after all, is the holy grail of all organic eateries.

Only quinoa, kale and raw broccoli for us! Let our rallying battle cry be heard from the depths of the Graves “practice” rooms to the heights of the weird, spinny library sculpture thing. We accept nothing less and expect nothing more, for what is more beautiful than a plate topped with the most delectable, dead sardines? What can be enjoyed more deeply than food issuing a delectable smell reminiscent of, well, nothing?

We must let our souls rejoice in the glory of Beyond Meat, avocado smoothies and spirulina.

Soon enough, our community will raise up in the new Andover Anthem:

We demand QUALITY.

We demand LOW-CALORIE.

We demand VEGAN.


WE CANNOT COMPROMISE. Although our weak stomachs petition us in a most appealing way for nourishment for which we would actually consider returning for seconds, we must RESIST this application, for we dishonor our great School and Country by feasting upon anything but the wholest of wheats and the organickest of everything.

So, I leave you with this parting statement, and may you hold it ever in your bosom as your most sacred doctrine: “Non sibi.” Wait, that’s not it. I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere, though.

What I meant to impart upon you was this invaluable ray of wisdom: We cannot and WILL NOT eat food unless it is a shadowed, healthy replacement of actual delicious food. That is all.