The Eighth Page

Top Ten: Reasons the Pilgrims Didn’t Colonize Andover

10) Farmers only harvest whole wheat bread.

9) Croquet has been replaced by Spikeball, a much less dignified pastime.

8) Rampant scooter larceny by locals.

7) Winters are brutal, and sick houses overflow with plague victims.

6) The stacks are not safe. You’ll soon realize that Puritans aren’t so pure after all.

5) No chicken nuggets.

4) Colonists like to slash and burn agriculturally, but Andover students prefer to crash and burn academically.

3) Wi-Fi game weak as King Henry VII’s marriages.

2) Adolescent Native League splash challenge. No pair of breeches is safe.

1) Colonists wouldn’t actually escape tyranny.