The Eighth Page

Diary of a Wimpy Colonist

Dear Diary,

I am pleased to announce the extraordinary success of my beloved, newborn colony of PA.
Our Lord was smiling upon us as he guided our Mayflower toward this bountiful land that the locals call “Ahaaandova.” We have decided to rename it “Andover.”
Although our assimilation has been going quite well, the local Andover people admitted that they were initially surprised by the sudden arrival of the colonists. I personally don’t know why everyone was taken aback by our arrival. Everyone knows that April showers bring Mayflowers.

Our relations with the local population are very good, and people from neighboring colonies constantly run through our lands screaming the phrase, “CAT CARTILAGER,” which is a phrase that we are still attempting to interpret… We presume the phrase means, “Gracious and loving foreigners, we are thankful that you have arrived and have claimed our homeland as your own. Feel free to continue spreading your diseases and having your foreign animals consume all the food we grow and require to survive.”

I’m not a specialist, though. I just understand people.

The weather of this place continues to dishearten our citizens. The winter is so cold that our blood turns solid, and we are forced to demand the locals feed us as we are unable to move.

They teach our children not to leave into the forest, for they will get stuck in the 15 feet of snow everywhere.

The summer is no better and is no true summer, as it ranges from colder than the heart of the Devil to warmer than the deepest part of Hell – all in the period of a single day.
We have been feeling a bit homesick and missing our dear monarch, but I am honored to have been elected governor of this colony. I think I am doing an absolutely fabulous job, despite the angry quill-written scrolls I received, complaining about the steps of Commons as many a colonist have fallen on their faces walking up those hazardous stairs. People should really just watch where they’re going…

Though there are many things that we are trying to fix at the moment, our colony is turning into a beautiful place.


William Bradford