The Eighth Page

Columbus Writes To Queen Isabella & King Ferdinand

Your Highnesses,

After many long months of travel by sea, I have never been more pleased to be on land – I was not sure how much longer I would last on the ship. Seriously, you would think that for people constantly surrounded by water, bathing would not be a problem.

As I watched so many of my crew members perish before me, I was quite honestly not sure what would be the death of me: the horrid smell or all of the diseases that constantly plagued my crew. Fortunately, we have finally arrived at our destination of Exeter.

The locals are a very diverse people. No two of them look alike physically, yet their shared preference for brightly colored clothing, especially their salmon-colored trousers, which are cut off at the knee, is very apparent.

I would do trade with them in order to obtain a pair for your Majesties, but I am not entirely certain that salmon is your Majesties’ color.

My crew and I are still in the process of deciphering their language. We have, however, picked up on a few of their words – the most recurrent being “like,” which seems to have many different meanings.

I have reason to believe that they worship the sun, as all of their activities are dependent upon whether it is sunny or not. On sunny days, they gather on the grass and take joy in peculiar rituals of music and dance and, not idolatry, but certainly idleness – I believe that they call this phenomenon “lawning.” The elders, or “Seniors” as they are called here, typically initiate the “lawning” ritual.

When the sun is not out, however, people are much more productive or at least being idle in other ways, such as utilizing the flix of the Net.

After living amongst these peoples for some time, I have grown suspicious about our whereabouts. The descriptions I have heard from Exeter folklore certainly do not match what I am seeing here. This community is actually much more pleasant and more friendly than what I had expected of Exeter.

After consulting with a local, who has been helping us to communicate, I have come to the realization that we have not actually arrived at Exeter but an entirely different place: a town called Andover.

The locals also told us that our situation had been a very unique one – most people they have encountered usually end up at Exeter because they are unable to find their way to Andover.

Your dedicated subject,

Christopher Columbus