The Eighth Page

Varsity Athletes Search for New Activities

In the past few weeks, many Varsity sports have been cancelled due to poor weather conditions.

With the additional free time, Varsity athletes have done extensive soul-searching in an attempt to pass the time.

While all the real Varsity sports are cancelled, athletes have resorted to hobbies like golf instead.

An anonymous male golf “Captain” said, “It’s nice to have golf to fall back on when Double Dutch is cancelled. Hopefully the weather will clear up soon so I can return to my real sport ASAP and finally get that Varsity letter.”

Many athletes have found other hobbies besides golf to help pass the time.
Students of all ages have congregated on the Great Lawn to participate in the future Olympic sports of Spikeball and “lawning”.

Mac Lovin ’17, a standout Varsity baseball player, eloquently described his attraction to Spikeball, saying:

“I like Spikeball.”

Unfortunately, the significant influx of competitive Varsity athletes has dramatically increased the intensity of these lawn games.

The dangerously intense competition has resulted in numerous lawning-related injuries, ranging in severity from ACL tears to more serious ailments like turf toe and sunburns.
Amid this chaos on the Lawn, many athletes have been honing their tenni-golf skills by practicing with real golf balls rather than tennis balls.

Due to reports of rowdiness, Head of School John Palfrey is expected to hold a press conference later this week to address the lawning situation and the popularization of tenni-golf-golf on campus.

Athletes in more competitive sports have faced even more obstacles due to the conditions.
Steve Slider ’15 vehemently expressed his frustrations about the recent cancellations, stating:

“Sliding has become a lot more difficult in the past few weeks since it’s a lot harder to practice when the weather’s like this. I’m just trying to stay in shape so I’ll be ready when the season starts.”

The sliding team has also been experiencing setbacks due to injuries. Recently, while competing on the Great Lawn, a four-year Varsity slider lost her balance when she tripped over her teeny tiny backpack.

In an exclusive interview on the scene of the accident, a PAPS officer reported, “This is the fourth slip n’ slide accident we have seen this week. I’d say it’s getting to be a pretty serious issue.”

In the meantime, Steve and fellow sliders have been hitting the gym hard to stay in shape.
However, it is rumored that the gym hits back.

According to an anonymous Upper, the daily workout routine consists predominantly of groin stretches, and over two people have already strained their groin from this rigorous workout.

To avoid further injury, let’s hope that the weather clears up soon so athletes can stop golfing and return to real Varsity sports.