The Eighth Page

The Pizza Revolution of 2400

The infamous protest against the sporadic presence of cheese pizza in Paresky Commons dates back 400 years ago, to the early 2000s. The “CP = E” (Cheese Pizza = Equality) movement originally began at Andover as a tasty nugget slipped into several presidential election platforms.

Who knew that such a small, delicious tidbit could grow into the global sensation that it is today? The student body has been accused of pepperoneediness, but we shall not relent.

Over centuries, different solutions have been presented to the administration, including the possibility of just having cheese pizza as another pizza option everyday in order to mozzarelevate the quality of meals.

Unfortunately, every suggestion to this dreadful issue has been shot down, causing students to wonder: what does the administration have against cheese pizza? It seems that the Andover bureaucracy has a serious lactose intolerance. The constant rejections were a bit greasy.

This week, all the speculations and hostile emotions on campus can finally be put to rest, and, as cheesy as this is, we can all be friends again! Andover’s very own Pete Zaah, class of 2162, received approval by the administration to install his Cheese Pizza Generator (CPG) in Paresky. We were lucky enough to hear Zaah describe the innermost, most intricate and fascinating workings of his invention.

Zaah said, “The CPG is really simple. You type how much pizza you want. Then it makes the pizza and stuff inside the machine. Then the pizza comes out, and it’s like really delicious.”

When asked if he was proud of the Generator, he responded, “It’s really nice to know that I’ve really revolutionized the food industry, but I’m mostly just really excited to put this on my college application. That’s why I really decided to make the machine and stuff anyways.”

So rest assured, despite all the groundbreaking innovations our school adopts, the Andover mentality will never change!