The Eighth Page

Pleez Vote 4 Me

**Campaign Platform: Aloysius Woschlesteinhabergerdorff III & Bob (Pronounced “bob”)**

*Just Do It… During Conference*

**Mission Statement:**
We are unique because we promise to complete none of the tasks on our platform! So we’re more honest than anyone else! In addition, we are the only pair to have hired that guy from “Humans of New York” to take the profile picture on our Facebook page that (falsely) depicts us as highly motivated individuals. Lastly, our college resumés… I mean, we would be truly honored to be your Co-Presidents for the 2015-2016 year!

**I. Implement a new grading scale to eradicate relaxation and joy.**

0-49 Drop out of Andover and move to Antarctica
50-60 Goodbye College
68-75 Catastrophe
76-84 Grade Grub Worthy
85-92 Moderately Heinous
93-100 Minimum Pass

**II. Rethink the Room Visiting Policy**
· Allow Senior parietals on the last Thursday of each term from 2:00 p.m. – 2:05 p.m.
· Require at least one school administrator to sit between the parietees

**III. Improve selection at Paresky Commons**
· Jellied moose nose carbonara
· Soft-boiled fetal duck (gluten free!)
· Bat paste frozen yogurt (no sugar added!)
· Giraffe tongue bacon (on Thursdays only)
· Elephant-toe patties (vegan option available)
· Panda brain filet (sustainably raised)

**IV: Increase the variety of choices for the Art Requirements**
· Intro to Walking Across The Grass (Read: Zigzag)
· How to Schmooze Your Way to a 6
· Intro to Den Dancing 225A
· Physics of Flashing Lights 225B

Vote for us in the 2015-2016 year because you probably do not care about this election anyway.