The Eighth Page

Upper Management

We think that this is the year that Upper Management finally realizes that they are no longer Uppers come next year. Knowing the alleged intelligence of Phillipian members, Features has been confused every year that Upper Management fails to promote themselves to Senior Management when they become… seniors. Features has faith that this board will make that crucial transition, although its never been done before.

If this board is the first to finally accomplish this, maybe they will also be the first to clean the newsroom. It has been vowed many a time before, but we all know that this has never actually been done.

The pleasant scattering of old newspapers, last week’s pizza, and leftover streamers from a party no one remembers actually gives the room a homey feel, so maybe its for the best that CXXXVIII remain idle.

Anyway, at the last sUpper management meeting of CXXXVII, the board decided that the five esteemed individuals chosen for Ubiquitous Malice were best suited to keep us from our hilarious potential. Every year, Features contends with some form of Big Brother, and we see this UM as a worthy opponent.

We are eager to see how this board deals with the steady deterioration that comes with a negative amount of sleep and 483739 kilograms of undue stress.

Also, in a generous attempt to include the business section, we interviewed the EEW (or is it COW? LMFAO? ROFL? Oh well, no one really knows), but all we got was a curt “I’m too busy managing the funds to give a quote”.

We did, however, notice that the EEW was sporting some very fine jewelry. On a completely unrelated topic, we also heard that apparel is no longer free and the newspaper has had to cut down on its budget.