The Eighth Page

News

Here in Features, we value quality over quantity when it comes to our readers. We don’t care if we have one reader or one hundred as long as they are worthy.

You may wonder how Features can measure the merit of its readers. The answer is simple: the News section. We have News to thank for our assurance that each and every one of our readers is deserving and dedicated.

In order to reach the Features section, one must first flip through seemingly endless pages of dreary and factual news articles. The faint of heart become hopelessly lost in the bleak columns of monotony, and even those with the best intentions are deterred by the overwhelming stream of tedious facts.

With this test, we know that only those who are steadfast and true can reach Features, and they are our devoted supporters. So, thank you, News, for helping us to weed out the weak and permit only the courageous and determined to read our section.

Gold star for making it this far. We didn’t.