This week, a shootout took place in Andover County’s Susie’s Saloon after class on Thursday. The sheriff hasn’t released the identities of the shooters yet, but it is rumored that there were two Juniors and two Uppers involved.
It all started when the Juniors sat down in Susie’s Saloon with Rocky Raccoon and ordered some chicken quesadillas with two tall, foamy cold ones (cold ones being those nifty new milkshakes) exclaiming, “It’s been a long day!”
The first boy, dressed in a flannel button-down, rugged jeans and Vans, said to his similarly Western-dressed friend, “I had to study for three tests today, and only one was pass-fail. I tried to get a test moved, but one of the 400 letters I sent to move it was lost in a mule accident on Main Street. I hate the government bureaucracy, sometimes I wish it would just shut down!”
His friend responded, “I feel ya partner. I studied a whole 45 minutes for my first test and only got an 86. I’m not sure how I feel about this place. It might be challenging.”
Upon hearing this, two nearby Uppers from a stack in the backcountry of the Abbot Cluster rose and approached the Juniors’ table. The first to speak had a wiry frame and a sunburnt neck. He sassed, “Boys, lemme tell yous a thing or two about work. You don’t have any. Last night alone, I had an away game, Cluster Council and a Phillipian board meeting to go to. I’m an associate.”
The second said nothing, as he had maintained relatively high grades throughout his three years at Andover with little work. One of the Juniors kicked his chair back as he rose. “I’ll have you know, in middle school I was the class president, head of the math team, lead in the school play, founder AND captain of the dodgeball team and class valedictorian. I’ll have twice the amount of work you do when I’m an Upper!”
The confrontation escalated as the Upper drew his grandfather’s model 1887 and flipped over the table. Both of the Juniors took cover behind a booth and drew their weapons.
During the fight, one Junior and the “hardworking” Upper were both wounded. Other casualties included the Susie’s bartender, who was caught in crossfire as he tragically yelled “chicken quesadilllla,” announcing that the dish had been completed. He will be missed.
The fight ended when the school’s swashbuckling sheriff arrived on the scene, heroically tackling one of the Juniors.
Alexis, a four-year Senior from Texas swamped in IPs and college apps, remarked that neither party knew what real work was. This unfortunate encounter was not the first to shadow Susie’s Saloon. There are often stand-offs over the type of entertainment shown on the main stage. On weekdays, after long weeks of ropin’ good ‘ens and braving the many tests of the Wild West, there can be some heated protests from the Senior cowboys and cowgirls of these parts, especially because certain younger chaps seem to have forgotten that they are not allowed in Susie’s Saloon past eight in the eve. *Cough*Cough*