The Eighth Page

New Sheriff’s In Town: We Actually Realized Our Old Government Wasn’t Working

Desperate to make some sort of actual change while in office, last year’s student council president, Wanglefort Slumberjack, decided to use his executive power to revert the Student Council Constitution to what it was way back in the year 1850. After a lengthy process of revising the politically incorrect 163-year-old Constitution, the faux tea stained piece of paper purchased at the poster fair made it politically correct by the standards of todayyear.

The Student Council unanimously voted that the 1850 Constitution be put into effect for the 2013-2014 school year, claiming that it would simplify the convoluted lives of Phillips Academy students by taking them back to a time before the internet, antibiotics, and the great tumbleweed extermination of 1855. Little did they know that the school was in for a wild, wild ride, harkening back to the wild, wild, wiild west.

The 1850 Constitution calls for one sheriff and one other sheriff of equal or lesser value, locking up rowdy seniors in the academy jail for the night. Obviously, these bureaucrats-in-training also learned to handle lots and lots of paperwork and all sorts of various administrative affairs.

After an intense race between co-sheriff candidates, Jeb Williams’ and “Pistol Pete” Perkins’ horses proved to be the fastest. Ever since taking the reins as Co-Sheriffs, literally and metaphorically, Jeb and Pistol Pete have not attended any classes. Instead, they trot around campus day in and day out, on the backs of their respective horses, keeping their eyes peeled for outlaws. Sometimes they even spend time in their office in the basement of the library. I know. An office.

Being the town Co-Sheriffs is not all fun and games, though. Last week, a dispute over a game of Texas hold ‘em grew into a full-fledged debate of socio-economic issues in the Old Saloon (previously known as Suzie’s).

Jeb and Pistol Pete were promptly notified of the situation via telegraph, and all who took part in the skirmish were booked and brought downtown to the local DC. When asked for comment, Pistol Pete, through a thick drawl, said, “Them townsfolk gotta know, there’s a new sheriff in town. Errr, there are two new Co-Sheriffs. So, ain’t no more messin’ around in these parts. As deputy sheriff, it’s my job to keep the people safe. Oh, and budget allocation and fiscal planning. That too. Not to mention the strategic plan, we shall buy lots of stratego sets.”

Jeb, quick to point out that Pistol Pete’s official title is, in fact, sheriff of equal or lesser value, added: “At first, we thought this whole co-sheriff thing wouldn’t work out. But, fortunately, I guess this town is actually big enough for the both of us.” Unfortunately the Co-Sheriffs are temporarily on hiatus due to administrative disagreements about the school budget.