The Eighth Page

Wellness Center Completed Early

Well, that was quick! Andover’s very own Assistant to the Assistant Vice Dean of Wellness, Strength and Appreciation released this statement on Saturday morning: “We have decided that the present state of the Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center will be beneficial for patients at Andover. The building will no longer undergo construction, and students will enjoy the fresh air of an open health cen-… I mean ­— Wellness Center.” This innovative decision will mean new sleeping and living conditions for sick students. Students will enjoy slightly splintered wooden planks for beds, large rusty hose faucets for showers and a newfound sense of oneness with the outside world — literally. Christopher Crampton ’18 was fortunate enough to experience the new Wellness Center, as he was recently diagnosed with the flu. Lucky boy! In an interview with one of The Phillipian’s correspondents, he said, “At first, I was very excited to hear that I had the flu, and my excitement hasn’t lowered one bit! I’ve never lived in such a rustic-style environment before, and I must say it is quite enjoyable. During the first night, I thought that I was developing pneumonia, but when the nurses injected me with what they call ‘special wellness potion,’ it knocked me right out! In fact, I only just woke up an hour ago! It’s like living a dream.” It seems that students will be lining up inside (or outside) the new Wellness Center as yet another revolutionary monument has been placed on the Andover campus.