The Eighth Page

Fast Times at Gurry Rink

As the campus prepped for another crazy weekend, students decided that instead of hosting a huge, really fun dance, they wanted to escape the cold weather by ice-skating.

Sadly there were not enough skates to go around, as the entire student body was at the rink participating in the only activity planned for that night. Students waved $10 bills in the skaters’ faces, desperate to get on the ice to take cute pictures holding hands with their friends.

If skaters came off the ice, they were immediately pounced on by violent beasts — I mean, students — who clawed at their feet for the blades of steel.

When asked about skating, Paula Murphie said, “My favorite part of the skating was probably the part when I went back to my room and watched ‘Guardians of the Galaxy.’”

When pressed for more details of the actual skating, she added, “The hot chocolate, I guess. The innovative mixture of Swiss Miss powder and hot water was so heavenly that I almost forgot my fury over the lack of skates.”

While house counselors and teachers awkwardly hovered around and skated with the students, many students felt uncomfortable and eventually left. One disgruntled skater complained, “I had wanted to take a picture of me skating with my boyfriend, but I ended up with my math teacher instead.”

By the end of the night, there were rumors that a group of students had too many lattes mixed with Red Bull and had to be escorted off the premises after trying to ride the Zamboni like a mechanical bull. Paula Murphie later declared, “There is sNOw way that we will permit that on campus.”