The Eighth Page

The Five Stages of Jet Lag

1) Denial

You realize you have entered the first stage of jet lag when you show up to first period and find yourself surrounded by an entirely different class. They try to tell you that it is, in fact, sixth period, but you refuse to believe them. After a few tense minutes of arguing, you enter the second stage of jet lag.

2) Anger

You throw an alarming (but very short-lived) tantrum. Flipping tables and terrorizing students only makes you more aware of your rapidly deteriorating condition, and so you enter the third stage of jet lag.

3) Bargaining

Now that you know that you cannot possibly stay awake for class, you beg Isham nurses to permit you to take up a permanent residence in the sleeping room. You offer them money, Captain’s pizza, your soul, etc. When this doesn’t work, you enter into the fourth stage of jet lag.

4) Despair

You return to your room, in which your mattress develops a permanent impression in the shape of your body from the hours spent lying there. After an extended period of time lying in bed reflecting, you begin the fourth and final stage of jet lag.

5) Acceptance

You realize it’s probably better to stay in bed anyway since the weather sucks. Wake me up when it’s Spring Break…