The Eighth Page


After a record snowfall this weekend, snow banks around campus are about as high as Bob Marley. All students and faculty are strongly advised to stay indoors — anyone who steps outside will have to face subzero temperatures and the abominable snowman.

As the campus sinks into icy chaos, crime has begun to run rampant. Authorities report that they finally caught the vandal who had been spray-painting “Let it go” and other inventive profanities on building walls and windows.

When the authorities caught her with a human-sized net, she allegedly shot icicle darts out of her fingertips, severely injuring two of her captors. This dangerous criminal, under the alias “Elsa,” will spend the rest of her life in federal prison.

In other news, with classes canceled because of the dangerous conditions, students have been finding new ways to pass the time.

Timmy McGee and Fifi Fluffernutter were caught snuggling in Fluffernutter’s room (without parietal permission!), but the pair quickly explained that they were simply trying to generate body heat — quite a wise idea.

Other students are bemoaning the loss of modern comforts, such as the lack of wifi on one’s phone: “I’m going through [Trivia] crack withdrawal,” croaked Bobert Bobsled with a shiver, as he lay on his bed in a cold sweat.

Paresky Commons is buried in snow and all other sources of food are blocked off, so many students have been forced to fend for themselves. After finishing their last container of expired “sour cream”-flavored Pringles, and then recovering from food poisoning, a group of students resolved to take action.

Armed with razor-sharp compass blades, the students went into the Cochran Bird Sanctuary and killed several deer, and then enjoyed some lovely venison tartare. Unfortunately, the deer all had rabies, so the students are done for. Nonetheless, it appears that a compass is not as utterly futile as your geometry teacher has led you to believe!

We ask our off-campus readers to send good wishes and possibly some rabies medicine because I was bitten by one of the students about ten minutes ago.