The Eighth Page

Attention Lowers and Uppers! Join The Phillipian! Apply for: Features Associate!

Hi there, Andover!

As many of you may have heard, Features has undergone a “general reconstruction in management.” While this is an inappropriate forum to discuss the details (if you are interested in those, send me a message by either SnapChat or Carrier Pigeon), all you out there need only know one thing: you have a chance to join The Phillipian and run your favorite section!

Go figure! Imagine that!

And best of all, this is not a practical joke! I’m actually dead serious. The Phillipian is looking for two hardworking and hilarious people to learn the basics of ruling the epic kingdom that is Features. Eventually, these two lucky winners will inherit the crown. It’ll be a ton of fun – I promise.

To give you a taste of what to expect, I’ve printed some of the application questions below. If you are at all interested, complete the application and send it to jlane@andover.edu by Saturday at 10:00 p.m.! It can be found “Other” category in Campus Announcements in PaNet.

Best of luck, and I look forward to reading your hilarity!

Jack Lane

Features Editor CXXXVII

 

* * *

3. Write 20ish word biographies for all of the following people:

 

              a.    Any member of Upper Management (BUT NOT RYAN!!!!)

 

              c.     Lance Hardwood

 

              q.    Michelle Obama

 

3. 68. Make us laugh (in fewer than 5 words).

 

5.  Why do you want to be a part of Features? (30 words)

 

7. A major responsibility of Features management is to handle relationships with writers. What would you do if you have a writer who is being belligerent, making threats on your life and, more importantly, has not written his/her article on time? (30 words)

 

3.14 Describe Jack Lane’s eyes in a four line verse of iambic pentameter.

 

666. What is your spirit animal? (different from favorite animal)

 

&&&. What is your favorite desert? No. Not dessert. You smartass.

 

33. Write down the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the word “hilarious.”

 

49. To be or not to be?  Why?  (1 word)

 

56. Who is your favorite Comedian?

 

9 (and 3/4).  What is your favorite viral video?  Attach a link.

 

Not 69. How can you photoshop an elephant to make it funny?  Avoid oxford commas. (10 words)

 

69. Who is your favorite performing group/musician?  Aside from Taylor Swift.

 

1. What do you make of this: “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” – Ron Burgundy

 

1000: Give a quick analysis of 3 lines from SchoolBoyQ’s masterpiece, “Man of the Year.”  If you reference RapGenius.com’s musings on the matter, I’ll know.