The Eighth Page

Old News

My my, what a year it has been for news! It’s hard to know where to begin with news of 2014, what with the nail-biting policy development, but I’ll list my recap in order of “least important” news articles to “no one read these” stories:

As artichoke debates continue to circle campus, the faculty have concluded that the dance culture needed to change. After hours of debates, the Highly Inquisitives announced the Educational Decrees 23 and 24 and 25, which outlawed tango-ing and also implement a dress code.

These served as a happy compromise for everyone: they responded to the girls’ complaints that “they were soo over high school boys” when no one salsa-ed with them and pacified the guys who were too shy to ask anyone to dance. These decrees have succeeded tremendously: the number of students who wear onesies to the dances have spiked!

“I’m so much warmer on the way back and forth from the sanctuary now after den dances! Plus, my onesie is so flattering!” says an enthusiastic junior, Twelf Yeerold.

Moving right along to other pretty significant news, let’s talk about the presidential changes. In 2014, the student body finally asked, why have two normal presidents, when we can have one president and a dope DJ? After last years’ election students everywhere jumped with joy at the conclusion of this year’s election. R-Shizzay will certainly pump up the party that is Andover!

Hmm… I can hardly remember any other news headlines I saw and ignored this year. I guess I could mention that plenty of Seniors were outraged when they received a Fake Superlative Survey.

Hundreds of Seniors complained at the fact they were not voted “most likely to be take over the world,” however some were encouraged because it meant their takeover would be more discreet. You can’t fight what you can’t see coming!!! Other students were embarrassed that they were not voted as the best tenni-golfer. Next time, bros!

Our _Phillipian _News Section has combated this year with style and prestige, per usual. Quadrouple-handedly handling the quality news of the academy, the newsies covered all the mundane stories of the school. But first, let [them] take a selfie.

What a year is has been!