The Eighth Page


Let’s be honest here: frisbee on its own is only fun 40 percent of the time. The rest of the time it’s either way too windy, or the person you are playing with applied way too much cocoa butter lotion. Frisbee is the sport designed for those kids with athletic potential, but whose parents forgot to put them in sports as a child. If you can manage the “whip” and “snap” without looking like a wannabe Miley, then Ultimate Frisbee is your calling. Oh, excuse me… Ultimate “Disc.” If this isn’t you, then you might be stuck as an “Ultimate loser.” Little Timmy ’17, who can throw shade but not a disc, bitterly commented on the Frisbee tryouts last week, “Just because you put the word ‘ultimate’ in front of it doesn’t make it a sport. Have you ever heard of ‘Ultimate Underwater Basketweaving?’ No, you haven’t. Frisbee shouldn’t be a sport. My dog can do it.” Features reporters have since learnt that Timmy was recently cut from JV3 Ultimate and was forced him to join the 5 p.m. FIT class all by his lonesome.