The Eighth Page

Shoot for Moon, Land in the Lonestars

Howdy there, neighbor! While y’all yuppies took vacays to Park City or wasted y’all’s lives sitting on a couch waiting for your mom to tell you to clean the Oreo crumbs off the floor, I spent my days cotton-eye-joe-ing and eatin’ three-foot-long sausages at the good Ol’ Texas Rodeo!

Unlike some, I wasn’t gonna let some 90-degree weather stop me from riding my horse through dirt streets crowded with those sweaty Texas-sized cowboys. As I stuffed my face with anything and everything fried or barbequed, I watched the town goon Pinhead Larry roll in with his AK-47 like nobody’s business. And yes, that’s 100 percent legal in Texas.

Needless to say, Dirty Dan soon challenged him in the jack-rabbit pie-eating contest. Totally dumb ’cause doesn’t Dan know that Larry can stuff five or six of those bad boys down without breakin’ a sweat. And speakin’ of breakin’ sweat, those bull riders were getting bucked off like no other. Somethin’ must have been chawin’ the insides of those bulls, making them unusually fierce. Maybe it’s the fact that some clowns are runnin’ around the stadium as if this were some kind of “Ferdinand the Gentle Bull” show. C’mon guys, this is the real deal!

Then the horse races began, but I left shortly after. Me and my horse Lonestar could beat any of those hotshots in our sleep. It was kinda disappointing, but I will admit that the best part was when Lil’ Lu-Ann sold the pig she had been raising over the last year for 2,000 bucks. It was a helluva bidding war; Texas folks are always suckers for a good pig. Ha, and to think people try to tell me they’d rather live in New York than Texas!

-Tiffany Bauman